take me home to my heart

Ugh. Gag me with a spoon.

There are a lot of decisions to be made. Serious decisions that I don’t feel ready to make but that are necessary, stemming from this horrible thing called growing up. Like choosing where to apply for college for instance. Choices that will affect my whole life. My future. My husband. My children. It’s kind of a formidable task.

I feel lost. It is strange. I always considered myself to have a strong sense of direction in life. The plan was simple; go to BYU, get an acting degree, try my luck out in the acting world before settling down. But now I’m being battered back and forth between different possibilities and outcomes. And it doesn’t help that I don’t know what I want any more. I feel so much pressure to do the right thing and to somehow please everyone. There is more than my own life at stake here and I don’t want to hurt anyone or let them down. I’m so worried about everyone else’s happiness that I don’t even know what I want for myself or what will make me happy. And it just feels like I don’t have time to figure it out. That I need to act now. There’s no room for me to step back and try to think about it.

But what do I act on? My brain and my heart and my instincts are all telling me different things. I am very out of control.

I feel like I’m wasting time. I don’t know who I am, or where I stand, or what to do. That somehow, I’m back to where I came from. Not having progressed.

*sigh*

I keep trying to set goals for myself. Ok you’re going to do this by the end of the week no matter how scary it is. Then I always break my promise. Again, very unusual for me. Normally I’m stubborn and resolved beyond all reason. I’d like to convince myself to take the age old advice, “Live each day as if it were your last” because I know I’d definitely taking a different course of action if that were the case. Wow. Can you imagine how much would get taken care of if we all did that? Then we would all stop beating around the bush and just tell each other how we all really feel. Wouldn’t that be nice?

The lyrics by Trading Yesterday seem to best capture how I feel:

“And I’ve lost who I am and I can’t understand why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love. Love without. Love gone wrong. Lifeless words carry on. All I know, all I know is the end is beginning who I am from the start. Take me home to my heart. Let me go. I will run. I will not be silenced. All this time spent in vain. Wasted years, wasted gain. All is lost. Hope remains. And this war’s not over.”

-Bailey

Mood: distressed

Song: Shattered by Trading Yesterday