if you don't shoot it how am i suppose to hold it???

I think everyone's lives would be a lot easier if I weren't in them. Especially his. This always happens when I try to be near people. No matter how much peace, joy and love I (or anyone else for that matter) feels, I leave a waking path of destruction. I don't mean to. I try not to. And I hate myself for it. So my altruistic side tells me to run away and never come back because it would be better that way. Less painful for the people I care about. It makes me sick to listen to them suffer. And I am not worth it.

I know they'll say you didn't ruin anything. Maybe not directly but I was involved. Guilty by association. I should know better by now.

I was accepted by BYU-Hawaii today. Which I should be excited about. I am very very pleased. But it is so hard to be fully happy. I am sad because it is so far away. It reminds me that I am leaving. But as I said maybe that is good. I don't think I can do as much damage if I'm not even on the continent.

I don't know. I don't know anymore. I don't even know if that is for sure where I am going. But I do know that I am sick of being made to feel guilt for my decisions when my accusers can't even comprehend how I feel. Telling me I don't understand when they probably don't even know the half of it.

I know what a cliche thing to say. 'You just don't understand.' But you know sometimes people really don't. Why? Because I am private and reserved. I like to keep some secrets to myself.

They won't even read this but for the record I can. I've done it more than once and it won't break me apart to do it again. I've just chosen differently for the time being. And I don't care if it bothers you; you don't need to rub it in my face. I'm not exactly a happy camper over some of the decisions you made but I didn't have to be a jerk over them. So there. That's my two cents you won't hear about. But it's ok because I'm going to just roll this one off my shoulder and forgive you anyway. Yeah. I love you that much.

Well today started off well and I suppose it is ending on a semi-good note. I named my teddy bear August. Ironically enough, he is wearing a scarf. But for some reason, in the sacred tribe of sisterhood, we all agreed that it seemed to suit my new little fluffy companion that I've been trailing around all day. It sort of made me feel like a little kid. I'd just hold it by the paw and carry it along like a toddler with their "blankie." And of course, the bear has earned one of the coveted spots on my bed.

I'm sorry this post is so brief and somewhat scatter-brained. That is how I am when I am sad and trying to absorb everything. My brain temporarily fries till it has had time to process all the information thoroughly. I can't even tell you how I feel right now. It's just a rainbow of emotions painted across my sky, with every color thrown in.

One big mess.

-Bailey

Mood: Guilty (overall)

Song: 9 Crimes by Damien Rice